Fairbanks Daily News-Miner

This time of year, Alaskans turn their attention to applying for their Permanent Fund dividends. The following test will determine if you are a real Alaskan and are therefore eligible to receive a share of this year’s payout.

Circle the answer that best applies.

1. How long have you resided in Alaska?

a) Less than one year.

b) More than one year.

c) I was born here. That settles all arguments.

d) Long enough. Gimme my money!

1. Why do you live in Alaska?

a) I like it here.

b) My relatives live far, far away.

c) I arrived under the Federal Witness Protection program.

d) The state gives me money.

1. Are you married?

a) No

b) Yes

c) Well, sort of

d) Is this a trick question?

1. If you have children, why is this?

a) I love kids.

b) My spouse demanded it.

c) Tax-deductions

d) So I can collect extra PFDs

1. What sort of vehicle do you commute to work in?

a) Subaru Outback, with “save the earth” bumper stickers

b) Toyota Tundra, no stickers attached

c) Ford F-750, with a full load of gravel for added traction

d) 185,520 pound John Deere 850D LC Excavator

1. Which box store do you most frequently patronize?

a) I’m far too self-righteous for box stores.

b) Home Depot

c) Dumpster Depot

d) Wal-Mart, because anyone who won’t shop there is a communist.

1. Which of the following would you describe as “hot?”

a) An 80 degree day

b) A 50 degree day

c) Anything above freezing

d) Sarah Palin

1. How many guns do you own?

a) Fewer than 10

b) Between 10 and 50

c) More than 50

d) None of your damn business

1. What is the most significant unresolved criminal problem in Alaska today?

a) Poaching

b) The Legislature

c) Bag limits

d) The state paying for schools and roads when it should be giving me more money instead

1. When do you plan on moving to Arizona?

a) Before next winter

b) Upon retirement

c) Thanks to global warming, I won’t have to.

d) The state will be sending me to its special housing facility there next week.

1. What is the primary cause of your personal problems?

a) Me

b) My ex-spouses

c) Federal regulations

d) Wolves

1. Where can you be found at 11 a.m. on a Sunday morning?

a) Outdoors, enjoying nature

b) At Fred Meyer, trying to get my shopping done before church lets out and the mob converges

c) In church, waiting for the sermon to end so I can get to Fred Meyer

d) Outdoors, enjoying nature by destroying as much of it as possible

1. What are “greens?”

a) An important part of my daily diet

b) What my doctor tells me to eat more of

c) Something I won’t eat any of unless it comes breaded, deep-fried, and served with ranch dressing

d) Those pesky people on skis I keep scraping off the front of my snowmachine

1. Who or what created Alaska?

a) The forces of time and nature

b) The Russians, I think

c) God, exactly 6,000 years ago

d) Who cares, just let me rip ‘er up

1. What will you be doing with your PFD?

a) Saving it

b) Investing it

c) Blowing it

d) Making bail

Scoring: Subtract one point for each “a” answer, award one point for each “b,” two points for each “c,” and five points for each “d.”

1) Less than zero: You’re definitely not an Alaskan and you’re probably also a Democrat. We know who you are and where you live. Do not apply.

2) Zero to 15: You’re a cheechako, which in Alaska is still better than being a Democrat, but just barely. You can apply, but you’ll probably be turned down. Try again next year.

3) Sixteen to 30: You still don’t deserve a PFD, but under the law you are eligible. You may apply.

4) Thirty-one to 74: You qualify as a real Alaskan. Anywhere else in the Union you’d be a complete loser, but here you fit right in. Go ahead and apply twice.

5) Seventy-five: A perfect score. You’re not just a true Alaskan; you’re completely immoral. You must be a Republican. Have we elected you yet? Go to Juneau and raid the Permanent Fund for your own benefit.

David A. James occasionally pens satirical pieces from his Fairbanks home.